Microcheating, as first defined by Australian psychologist Melanie Schilling, has sparked contentious debates. Together, this annual series of conversations does justice to the complex ways relationships are changing in our digital world. This idea captures a wide range of practices that many people pursue, but that most people are unable to talk about with their partners. These actions do not rise to the level of a sexual or romantic connection. They can involve texting or DMing on social media with people in addition to your monogamous partner.
As remote work across the country allows for more technological flexibility, microcheating is on the rise. While some people – including patients of intimacy coach therapist Abby Medcalf – may be at an intimate gray area online. Medcalf herself notes that her patients are almost all perpetrators of microcheating on social media. This behavior often creates confusion over loyalty and commitment within their relational world.
William Schroeder, a therapist specializing in trauma, stresses that with boundaries come new rhythms and flows in every healthy relationship. Some of these boundaries are explicit, some only implied. He points out that being aware of one’s secretive behavior can be instructive in understanding the dynamics of a relationship. Microcheating, for example, can be seen as an act of infidelity for some individuals, shifting the terms of trust and loyalty in an online world.
“It’s cheating if your partner doesn’t like it, or doesn’t know about it, or wouldn’t like it if they knew about it,” – Unattributed
While it may signal some deeper problems, not every couple considers microcheating to be a dealbreaker. Medcalf notes that in the couples she studies, many don’t care about these actions. This indicates that relationship boundaries can differ widely in terms of how they are articulated and upheld. For those who are concerned about microcheating, Schroeder reassures them that such feelings are valid and should not induce guilt.
“Approaching the conversation with that kind of curiosity is a much better place to be having the conversation from,” Schroeder recommends. This approach lets partners talk freely with one another about how they feel and what their limits are when it comes to social media use.
The emergence of a whole new suite of digital communication tools has changed the meaning of fidelity entirely. Making new friends through various social media apps can quickly cross the microcheating line, creating additional layers of complexity to your current relationship.
As people move through these multilayered and contested social terrains, communicating with intention and awareness is key. The challenge lies in recognizing behaviors that might be deemed inappropriate or secretive and addressing them with honesty and openness.
