Mothers who are looking for community and support can feel caught off guard in local mums’ groups or on social media. These meetings focus on helping to foster relationships and establish a positive space. Instead, they risk becoming competitive battlegrounds that are all too often marked by public judgment and private conflict. Recent testimonies from mothers such as Martina, Rachel, and Kelly shed light on the realities of these dynamics. They demonstrate how the need for social acceptance can result in a painful sense of removal from peers and introduction to bullying.
Martina with her one-year-old son. She writes that her experience in a new local mums’ group felt a lot like high school social circles. She recalls that a lot of the mothers were more concerned with competing against one another. Instead, they squandered the opportunity to develop authentic relationships. Yet this dog-eat-dog environment left her feeling unwanted and scrutinized right from the start.
“It felt like it didn’t matter how much I tried,” she explained, reflecting on her attempts to engage with the other mothers. Soon she discovered that instead of being greeted with encouragement, her attempts were received with apathy. Martina began to feel her frustration mount as she observed the group’s interaction to see what would happen. Another mom was always showing up late to Pilates class and the other moms laughed at her when she wasn’t there.
“Why on earth were we so cruel to her about being late for Pilates?” – Martina
Martina immediately made plans to drop out of the baby signing course. This decision followed an experience where she felt particularly excluded. She painted a picture of this one mother trying to be the group’s controlling “queen bee.” This very serious mom didn’t appreciate the Kellys of the world, the funny ones, who made parenting fun.
Kelly herself opened up about her experience of being bullied out of the group by a more established member. She shared how this person was really driving her out and putting pressure to make it uncomfortable for her to be all-in. “I was essentially bullied out of the group by this one woman who was very dominant,” Kelly said, highlighting the challenges faced when one person’s behavior overshadows the group’s purpose.
Rachel, who joined her first mums’ group in her late-twenties in Virginia, faced the same obstacles. She observed that minor miscommunications between moms frequently erupted into major disputes, at times even impeding their kids’ friendships. In one example, Rachel intervened with a peer involved in a quick-growing situation, which unfortunately received a negative reaction.
“The queen bee gave me a blank stare and said: ‘You’ve ruined my night,’” Rachel recalled, emphasizing how confrontation can sometimes lead to further harm in these fragile relationships.
Michelle Elman, author of Bad Friend, explains why it’s so important to talk about conflict in friendships. She stated, “If you don’t bring it up, there’s only one road – it’s the demise of the friendship.” As Elman writes, just by naming the problematic practices, you start creating conditions for change. Implementing that promise is much easier said than done.
Santorelli, a psychologist who studies social dynamics, adds that sometimes a gradual withdrawal from toxic relationships may be necessary for self-protection. “In many cases, a gradual pulling back can be the most self-protective option, especially if these are relationships that you can’t fully avoid,” he explained.
Martina’s experience of motherhood has been about understanding friendships, as well as facing the truth of her own judgment towards other parents. She agrees that the stigma began long before her son drew his first breath. Truthfully, she realized she was all too frequently condescending towards parents who yelled at their kids.
These moms have plenty of advice, and they’re excited to share it. Yet their craving for camaraderie and intimate friendships easily conflicts with competitive tendencies and pecking orders. Martina remembers how it felt like she was stuck in this hamster wheel of critique and comparison instead of this fellowship.
“Confrontation is often framed as the ‘healthy’ choice, but in these dynamics it can sometimes escalate harm,” Rachel cautioned, reiterating the complexities of navigating friendships among mothers.
Still, many mothers have resisted these difficulties by cultivating warmer, more intimate communities. Kelly encouraged listeners to find like-minded friends who practice non-judgmental parenting by allowing their children to experience limits.
We’re so deep in it that we support one another. I think we’ve both got a very similar, non-judgmental approach to raising children and it’s just been really nice, she said about her friendship with another mother.
