In the wake of increasing incidents of school shootings, experts emphasize the importance of open and honest dialogues between parents and children. Dr. Mona Potter, a pediatric psychologist, urges parents to not “put off the pity” when it comes to having challenging conversations with their kids. Therefore, parents need to welcome the conversation and meet it where it is. Each helps foster conditions in which children are safe to think and feel through their discomfort.
Dr. Deborah Gilboa, a clinical psychologist, highlights a vital aspect of these discussions: parents must first ensure their own emotions are in check. To communicate well, be sure to remain relaxed while speaking with your child. If the other side is heated, your child will be forced to take your side in turn. To start the discussion, Dr. Gilboa recommends starting with general questions, such as “Have you seen this?” This immerses children in ideas and asks them to respond before they’re overwhelmed with the rest of the content.
Those on the ground all echoed one sentiment — listening was as important to action as any speaking engagement itself. Dr. Gilboa emphasizes the need for parents to genuinely listen to their children’s responses, which can vary significantly based on each child’s personality and maturity level.
Understanding Children’s Reactions
Kids’ reactions to alarming news about mass shootings can vary widely. Dr. Janet Taylor, psychiatrist and expert in child mental health, reminds us to trust our instincts as parents. She encourages parents to watch for behavioral changes in their child following traumatic events. Telltale signs can manifest as issues with attention, trouble sleeping or more moodiness. The sooner we can help parents recognize these shifts, the better equipped they will be to support their child’s growth.
Dr. Melissa Brymer, a specialist in trauma and resilience, supports a full but developmentally appropriate conversation when it comes to talking about a school shooting. She recommends parents take a “pause” before starting the talk in order to process the information, enabling them to engage with their child on the topic. She says to visualize it with front-end detail, for our little children, they don’t need to know all the specifics. It is important to assess what information is needed, but balance that by comforting children with messages of their safety.
Dr. Brymer urges parents to talk to kids about how they can make a positive impact in their communities amidst the chaos. Her encouragement to families is to think about which clubs and activities in our schools help us change the world and bring our communities together.
“Can you encourage your kids to think about is there a club or some type of activity that they can do within their schools to show and create change?” – Dr. Brymer
The Importance of Ongoing Conversations
Experts are in full support of ensuring that conversations about school shootings don’t end after a one-day event. Robin Gurwitch, an expert in the field of psychological trauma, stresses the significance of maintaining ongoing conversations about these issues over time. As she explains, through one such discussion as part of the Engaging Schools program, that’s not enough. Regular conversations make the subject matter less taboo and provide kids with a more consistent support network.
Dr. Gilboa is clear that one conversation can’t address the complexities of school shootings. He emphasizes that we need a complete picture of their emotional effect on kids. She suggests talking to kids early and often about how they feel and what they think about the situation.
“Let your child or teenager know that ‘I really do care about you and I am open to having this discussion,’” – Gurwitch
This technique not only comforts kids, it frees them to share their emotions without worrying about being criticized.
Dr. Potter is passionate about making sure children are prepared for the world as it really is. Rather than protecting them from bad news, let’s help them process it. Through these discussions, parents will be able to prepare their children with coping skills and resilience measures.
“Rather than try to protect them, it’s really important to think about how do we prepare them for the world,” – Dr. Potter
Supporting Mental Health Through Dialogue
In the aftermath of tragic events, it is essential for parents to help children focus on a sense of purpose and community involvement. Dr. Gilboa’s advice In an earlier installment, advice to promote a sense of agency among children was shared — and this goes hand-in-hand with building resilience. This sense of purpose is essential for fortifying their mental health under the tsunami of turmoil they’re facing.
She points out just how important it is to have empathy in these conversations. She urges parents to validate their children’s emotions and avoid snapping at them to stop feeling that way. This normalizes children’s experiences and helps children feel comforted that their feelings are not unusual.
“If we have empathy for their feelings, ask them how they’re doing and involve them in making a difference, we’re giving them the best shot we can of having stronger mental health through some unbelievable stressors.” – Dr. Gilboa
